I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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