I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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