My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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