I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
