I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
