So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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