YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
