Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
