I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
