I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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