my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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