It's a beautiful day for a hangover
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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