you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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