i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
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