I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Randomize