I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Still dying that you shit outside
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Randomize
