my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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