Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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