Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
