Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
