Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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