i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Randomize
