I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
