3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
