Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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