Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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