got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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