I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Randomize
