I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I am naked and annoyed.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
