You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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