U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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