planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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