Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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