How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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