The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
