I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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