tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
