Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
My liver just broke up with me...
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize