i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
