Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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