Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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