This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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