A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
