Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
