He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
