That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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