Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
