all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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