I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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