My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
