I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
