All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
