I can't watch pbs sober anymore
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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