come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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