I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
