god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
im having a threesome with these popsicles
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Randomize
